The art of raising a child

Life has given me the gift of two children. Being a father is no joke. Here is an overview of the legacy I hope to give my children as they are introduced to the world of media, which is vastly different from my own background in this area.

1. Bright eyes and burning hearts.

Children grow up surrounded by tons of media choices, challenges, impulses and messages that exceed anything we humans have experienced before. They are exposed to both good and bad. It is important to exercise their ability to make choices. I believe that conscious attitudes form a shield against good and bad arrows flung from other sources. I want to work towards a strong awareness in my children, thus enabling them to develop social skills and build healthy attitudes towards life.

2. User ability and digital creativity

OECD, (Organisation for economical co-operation and development) defines digital competence as; ‘the ability to use digital equipment, the ability to work together with individuals and groups and the ability of independent actions within digital arenas.’ By giving my children access to the media world under a safe environment at home, gradually introducing a greater amount of trust and responsibility and at the same time inviting them to talk to either myself or their mother if they happen to experience something unpleasant, gives them a better opportunity to experience new learning and a feeling of achievement.

3. Happy media memories

Looking back on my own childhood, media experiences are a part of my own nostalgia: Christmas with magical television programs and films, the pirate game I played on my Commodore 64 in my friends room as a kid, the film ‘Ghostbusters,’ I was never allowed to see because of the 11 years and above rating. I hope to succeed by avoiding the typical pit falls such as overuse and unpleasant experiences. I want to be a part of creating happy memories for my kids and their childhood experiences with the media world.


A unique opportunity for parents

I want to be successful in this area. I understand, of course, that wanting something alone is no guarantee for success. My, being there, in my children’s lives as well as seeing them develop their own choices will go a long way in bringing results. An encouraging thought in all of this, is that we as parents have an amazing opportunity to be someone that our children can look up to, we can also help to create healthy attitudes and rich memories in the media world. Carpe Diem (seize the day), for your kid’s sake.

Things that matters and things that matters less

“They lost the gold, but they kept each other”. Sometimes, children can say the most amazing things at the most unexpected moment. My daughter suddenly spoke these words as we were watching a movie a lazy Sunday afternoon. She made me think.

I was watching the movie “The Road to El Dorado” by Dreamworks a Sunday afternoon together with my family. It is the story of two young Spanish men, friends and gamblers – who end up finding the mysterious city El Dorado, an Indian city filled with gold and treasures. The magnificent gold and the quest for richness were just about to rip their friendship apart. The story ends with a very dramatic escape from the unreachable city, in a ship filled with all kinds of treasures; the ship gets crushed in a tunnel of water. The two men and the Indian girl friend of one of them end up beaten but safe on a riverbank, while the ship and all the treasures are lost forever. From rags to riches – and back again, but still friends though, and one of them even with a future wife.

I have been thinking on her words all through the week. What matters in this life is not material luxury, what matters is family. My wife and my two children are the treasures of my life, and watching my children grow and develop makes me feel more than rich. Receiving a hug from one of my children, hearing them laugh, watching them smile; Such things truly make a man happy.

May the words of wisdom from my 6-year old angel follow me through this intense phase of life where a man is supposed to succeed in all areas at the same time: Excellent at work, excellent at home, 24 - 7. They may help me ensure that my priorities are right on a long-term level: “They lost the gold, but they kept each other”.

Why parenting has become more tricky

Guiding and guarding a child in a house with three rooms is an easier task than to guide and guard a child in a house with thirteen rooms. The more rooms you add, the harder it is to have an overview, and the chance that the individuals spend their time on separate arenas rises.

The rise of digital media has created new arenas for learning, entertainment and social life. The question is no longer where the child physically is located and with whom is it together.
Modern media creates new rooms, new people and new patterns in terms of education, entertainment and social life.

Examples:
• A teenager could be safely in the home of its parents and still in a situation of risk related to posting private, exposing pictures on the Internet.
• A child can be safely on the school, receiving a threat on its mobile phone, creating fear.
• A child frequently visits friends from trusted families, watching films and playing games with extremely hard pornographic or violent content.

To become a parent of a child may be easy. To parent a child is hard work. Modern medias makes it more and more complex to parent a child, that’s why we need useful information and good tools - and that’s why media has to act responsible towards our children and co-play with us parents.

What is social life?

As I was lecturing at a conference for teachers a while ago, I met another lecturer that told me an illustrating story related to different perception of social life and friendship. As father of a teenager in secondary school, they met a Friday afternoon in order to have dinner together.

During the dinner, the father asked his son about his plans for Friday night. “I will hang out with my friends, ” the son replied. A quite normal and expected response, in the ears of the father. Dinner was over, and the boy went into his room, closing the door behind him. Afternoon became night, and as far as the father could see – the boy stayed in his room. Friday night went, and Saturday morning arrived. Then they met for a late breakfast.

The father was concerned about what he felt was his son’s lack of social life: “You told me yesterday afternoon that you were going to meet with your friends – and then you go into your room, turn off the light, and sit there all night staring into your computer?” In the mind of the father, this was no Friday night at all, just a lonely cave life.
“But I did!” his son replied. “I chatted with my friends all night long on MSN, and we played the game World of Warcraft together online. It was a very social evening, and great fun too!”.

When the father told me this story from their every day life, I realised how totally different the two generations perceived the same situation. The father: He is completely lonesome, staring into an empty screen all night, this is getting serious. The son: Very social night, very fun.

Was one of them wrong, or were they just different in their perception of friendship, social life and reality?

Learning to fly…

My young son and I went downhill skiing this weekend. “Fun and frustrating” for both of us, I guess you can say... As the sun went down and we headed for home, it came to my mind that teaching my son how to go down hill has many parallels to training him in safe and conscious use of the Internet.

Last winter was the very first time he went downhill skiing, and we started by me holding him in my arms, skiing together all the time. After a while, he became comfortable trying to ski alone, having me by his side or a few metres away from him – consciously always in reach, whatever happend.

This winter, he is improving his skills. Much more steady, but still quite unaware of his surroundings – both other skiers and the terrain. So I still stay very close, watching him carefully to make sure he is reasonable safe - and to keep him away from the tracks still way to difficult for him.

I try to ask him questions about his choices and performance in order to develop his ability to reflect – and thus learn. But always focusing the most on having fun and explore, enjoying the elements and nature.

The helmet will be a crucial part of the equipment for many more years I guess…

One day he will go the same way as I did when me and my father went downhill together until I was 13 – 14 years: I will choose separate tracks, ski with my own friends in stead of him, buy my own gear and enjoy the combination of moments we share and moments of my own.

The fatherly challenge is to find the balance between guiding and letting go. May I always be there for him anyway when he falls and in need of a steady hand from a strong father.

Fly, eagle, fly. Lift your wings to the sky in your search for the sun.

Succeeding as a Father

When contemplating my own upbringing, I quickly realise how quickly the media has developed. How should I guide and set limits for my children in a media age that is so different from my own childhood?

When I was a little boy, there was just one TV channel, two colours (both black and white) and about 20 minutes of children’s TV at 6 pm. Afterwards we flocked around the radio and listened to the children’s hour. After some years, we even got a colour TV.

In 5th grade I experienced something completely new whilst visiting my buddy Lasse. He had a huge TV screen (12 inches: I thought it was big) in his own room, and with a TV-game in an orange box. When Lasse turned it on, a white line appeared on each side of the screen, which we could move up and down with 2 controllers. Lasse said that the controller was called a “Joystick.” In the middle of the screen was a white dot that moved from side to side. The game was called “Tennis” and we kept it going for hours. I thought it was incredible that it was possible to make something so fun.

But it didn’t stop there. When I started at secondary school, something much more exciting happened. “Personal computers” appeared, on which we could play “Pac Man” and “Snake.” Fantastic. The development was palpable. My best friend Stein invested in electric typewriters whilst his parents had no faith that such machines would be useful.

Digital media has surrounded my own children for as long as they can remember. Internet, mobile phones, games consols, and an abundance of both films and TV channels that send all-day are for them a matter of fact. They are surrounded by more influences, options and opinions than any other generation has experienced in the whole of human history. With the joys and challenges that the media provides. Media developers love to open new possibilities but leave many moral decisions to the user.

As adults, we carry the responsibility for which stories and values we give our children. Children are far too valuable to be left to fend for themselves against a combination of one-sided commercial interest and chance, when considering which values are being advanced. Children are by nature curious, they can be easily formed and learn easily. More than ever, society at large and especially parents need to give our children clear heads and beating hearts.

It is easy to take important things in life for granted. Sometimes you do not see clearly what you have until everything is put into play. A long story short: I recovered from the cancer and feel like if I have received the gift of life twice.

Many nights during the last year, I have found myself standing beside the beds of my children, admiring their peaceful faces. Thoughts of joy, gratefulness and melancholy arises side by side. I feel like the richest man on earth, as a father of the two little ones. At the same time, I wonder what life will bring them of both joy and sorrow. I realize I can contribute to both, and I realize it will be impossible for me to ensure them a life just on the sunny side.

What heritage have I given them so far in their relatively short lives? How can I parent them in a good way? Questions I ask my self as a father, and underlying questions in my job as the director of an NGO aiming to inspire, equip and enable parents to parent their children in a media world so different from our own childhood.